直到永恆。

妳選擇了在一個風和日麗﹐清朗明媚的一天起行。

到了重遇那天﹐也許我會認不得妳﹕
在那張年輕美麗的臉上﹐只有那靦腆溫柔的微笑似曾相識。
那時候妳一定要叫我﹐讓我拖著妳的手﹐我們再一起喝玫瑰紅茶﹐再一起晾衣服....

婆婆﹐妳一路好走。

愛妳的音音敬上

袁文婷

袁文婷﹐來自於汶川什邡市師古鎮民主中心小學的一位一年級班主任。她很年青﹐平時說話不多。她小時候就沒了爸爸﹐一直和媽媽相依為命。

5月12日的下午﹐袁文婷如常地在班房裡檢查孩子的作業。當地開始搖晃時﹐孩子們都嚇得只懂站在原地動也不動。這時﹐袁文婷抱起一個孩子就跑出教室。她一次又一次衝進教室﹐抱起一個又一個的孩子往外跑。

一個﹑兩個﹑三個﹐十多個學生被她救到安全的地方。當袁文婷在門口放下吳佳輝後﹐便轉身回去救其他學生。就在那時﹐大樓的天花就倒塌下來了。

5月12日晚上，搜救人員終於發現了袁文婷───一塊厚厚的水泥板，壓在她的身上。在她冰冷的身軀下﹐還有她的學生。

她曾經同朋友說過﹕「每一個學生都是我的孩子，他們都才六七歲，好像一張白紙，他們的未來都在我的手中。我﹐是他們的啟蒙教師。」

袁文婷﹐四川人。青春定格了在25歲。

**後記﹕ 這是在網上廣流的無數英雄故事之一﹐是為Across U-hub 有感而慟 Lament音樂會而compose的。
是夜﹐我在台上為她細說那麼濃縮得有點失禮的生平故事。
是夜﹐我發現了文靜的字轟天嘹亮的一面﹐被vocalized的文字震憾了。
這是後話。
近來太忙﹐後話太多了﹐還請見諒。

造夢的蛙

多倫多Hot Docs film fest進行得如火如荼﹐那可恨的公車局一聲罷工關門落閘﹐竟然拍拍屁股說不幹便不幹。我上學上班也素來不駕車到市中心﹐罷工竟造就了我第一次的鬧市征途。


看了3齣伊朗docs, 其中無心插柳的Cynosis 和It's Always too Late for Freedom同樣精彩。
Rokhsareh Ghaemmaghami鏡頭下的Cynosis﹐訴說一個伊朗街頭畫家Jamshid Aminfar虛渺的愛情故事。Jamshid出生時不順以至短暫缺氧﹐令他智力上有缺陷。他情感豐富熱愛畫畫﹐但娶了一個現實的老婆﹔被迫幹了20年糊口的雜工﹐只得偷偷瞞著她﹐到街頭撿木板廢鐵來填滿顏料色彩感情﹐一幅畫只賣一兩個盧比。
Jamshid街頭作畫﹐景況比國際大師在香港中環被趕還要不堪﹕警察不只趕完又趕﹐惡言恐嚇之餘﹐還粗暴的踢落得一地是畫。即席揮毫的行人道對面一所大學﹐有天子門生不屑目不識丁的人竟敢畫畫﹐還大刺刺地班門弄斧﹐有的欽佩他勇氣可加﹐敢於冷對社會指控聲。Jamshid在一片爭吵和暴力下﹐只是苦悶無奈不語地繼續一筆一筆畫下去﹐一筆一筆地繼續等待明白他的人出現。
直到一天﹐一個法國年輕女孩讀懂了畫﹐他快樂得飛上了天﹐開始幻想他和她的未來。但﹐胖胖矮矮的潦倒中年畫家和纖細秀氣的法國少女﹐猶如無法變身的青蛙和公主的倒影一樣﹐都說不起一個童話。最後﹐剩下他孤單憂傷地繼續一筆一筆地造夢...

導演利用了大量Jamshid的畫﹐化成簡單的動畫來表達他內裡生動豐盛的感情。乍看有點唐突﹐但越看下去越發覺得﹐和凝結在畫板上的圖像一樣﹐木訥的他不善辭令﹐只得由他的畫活過來為他細說心事﹐方叫世人聽得清楚他的聲音。

Jamshid在街頭隨便撿起雜物便手起筆落﹐很有點已經駕崩的九龍皇帝的風範。不過他活得很不快樂﹐只因他比我們的陛下清醒﹐無法遊戲人間。最深刻的是其中一段動畫﹐畫面一分為三﹐黑白﹑彩色和夾在中間的無色。Jamshid的老婆不許他到色彩裡去﹐不斷把拖他往住滿了獠牙怪物的黑暗裡去﹔而他則在無色地帶趁老婆不覺﹐在她的眼睛上畫上另一雙眼睛﹐然後悄悄拖著她走進彩色世界。但蔽目的眼睛總會掉落﹐變成怪物怒吼的老婆又再把他拖回黑暗裡。這畫完又畫﹐瞞了又瞞的痛苦過程不斷輪迴﹐他一臉淒涼惶恐。看到這裡﹐不禁為他落淚。他不過是想畫畫而已!

看著他默默不懈地一直畫﹐想起一個瘦小的綠色身影。


一首Rainbow Connection曾經在70年代雄倨流行榜7個星期﹐數不清的名歌手不知翻唱過多少次﹐青蛙卡米的原唱版本最平實無華﹐卻是誰也唱不出來的動人。
那把微小呼喚你的聲音﹐你聽到了嗎?
不知多少人曾經聽見了﹐但給拉進獠牙世界後﹐便再沒有勇氣走出來﹐只在夢迴時深深太息。
我想Jamshid是聽見了﹐所以不顧一切。
尋夢是天真﹐是蠢﹐還是勇敢﹐人間總是眾說紛云。
只有清帳回首那天﹐才算得清楚。
到了那天﹐他的笑容該比太陽花還要燦爛。

The Rainbow Connection - Kermit the Frog
(Click Kermit's picture to listen)

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard
and answered when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing
and what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell. We know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Ebenezer

Definition : a "stone of help," or a reminder of God’s Real, Holy Presence and Divine aid.

黃昏駕車時﹐前面的車突然扭呔。我的車速剛好駛到他避開的地方﹐下意識往下一看﹐嚇得我也急急猛扭駕駛盤。
赫然看見的﹐是一只被壓死了的小松鼠。下半身已經被壓得貼到地上﹐上半身卻意外地完好。
牠仰首嘴巴微開﹐兩只小手張開展臂向穹蒼﹐猶如殘喘一息時在求天空給牠一個擁抱﹐但人車無情。
牠已經不痛了﹐我仍不忍輾過﹐深覺虧欠了牠和一眾的「原住民」。
一到夏天﹐行車線上便死傷無數﹐人都幾乎看得麻木了。這可原是牠們盡情奔跑躍跳的一片草地呢。

我想﹐最初牠跳到阿當面前﹐被他捧在手裡說﹕「你的名字叫松鼠。」的時候並沒想過﹐有天會要在人的輪子下日日以命相博﹐才能從這一端跑到那一端。
氣候異常變化極冰溶化﹐雨林以每小時6000畝的極速消失﹐每天100種你我連知道也不知道的生物絕種..... 不﹐不用那麼遙遠﹐我已被這小松鼠張開了的雙臂問得啞口無言。不需問責制﹐已愧覺失職於大地管家這位置。
只得陪牠無語問蒼天﹐問問祢﹐怎可在這不歸路途上闢出一片共處的安樂淨土。

在這街角﹐我立下一個Ebenezer。
我知道﹐在這電光火石擦過的一刻﹐祢在。

Spiritual formation: Retreat

Course: Spiritual Formation
Prof: Dr. David Sherbino

This 3 days retreat truly deserve to be included as the compulsory component in this course. We went to Queens of the Apostles in Mississauga. Its outlook is less than ordinary, but I am delightfully impressed by some of the contemporary artworks it adopted in the interior. Daily communion and worship, 5 hours of solitude and silence, sessions of dream interpretation (sounds like one of the harry potter classes doesn't it!)... there is a part of me that yearns for a longer time to spend in such place.

Here are the briefs on the major areas.

Worship
In my own church of 3000, rather than referring the communion as a “routine”, it is a much privatized act. As trays are passing around the massive sanctuary, everyone holds on tight to their own little piece of bread and plastic cup of grape juice. Some are praying, some simply wait in silence. Each person seems to go forth to God individually, despite the fact that he is right beside his family, friends, and brothers and sisters. However, the communion experience in the retreat was significantly different. It occurred to me that communion is not merely an act of remembering Jesus or bringing yourself in front of God. It is, as the word suggests, “mutually participating” in this intimate act of sharing Him completed koinania. His despicable sufferings, his shed blood, his resurrection, his love and his salvation, are done for all. It is through this unconditional sacrifice, all that comes under his name are connected by a web of love thicker than blood. How could the remembrance of our Lord, be any less than this?

On the first night, we passed the bread around by saying “John/Jane, this is the body of Christ, broken for you”, while Dr. Sherbino served the cup. At the very end, our teacher was the only one who did not have the bread and wine yet. A fellow classmate offered the serving of the bread to him. The cup was sitting on the tabernacle by itself. It seemed natural to go up and serve the wine, but hesitation went through my mind: “Should it not be deacon or a pastor to serve the communion?” But my heart overrode my mind with a compelling “Go”, and I was just in time to extend him the cup with a smile, “this is the blood of Christ, shed for you.” It was as if Christ, with his body and blood, went around and completed the circle of love. In the following communions, as different people served communions and read scriptures, the sense of universal priesthood revealed itself stronger and stronger. What an overlooked identity in church and a role we are owed to one another!

Community

Community was the surprising element in the retreat. In my stereotypical mind, retreat of this sort would have been wise enough to maximize the silence and solitude. Nonetheless, pleasantly astonished, there were good periods of time for community and fellowship, and they formed an important part of my retreat. People, whom I know or do not know from both sections, became family members who hadn’t seen each other for long at dinner table. Different topics rose up as each meal was served with different dishes, but there was a common theme: God and His works. The richness of exchange was inexplicable, although the limited eating hour only allowed us to share little. Perhaps it is exactly the point: because our time on earth is so little, our limited time shall focus on worthy topics.

My spiritual friend had a rough night sleeping. As we got together, she opened up and talked about her struggle and vulnerabilities. My heart went out for her yet no comforting words could be found. We dedicated much of our session to prayers. The Holy Spirit moved us both greatly, and he spoke words of healing and comforting through our lips. Praying for each other is indeed the creation of a meeting place for God and the others in our heart. It was very profound for both of us.

Silence

During the 5 hours of solitude and silence, my body called for a rest and I obeyed its request. What John Eudes mentioned was true: giving much energy to others in every encounter is exhaustive, and it does not favour a sustainable spiritual life. After 2 hours of sleep, the warm chapel seemed to be a better transition from the cozy bed than to the thought of snow. There were a few people there already. In these 3 hours of prayer, He and I both spoke very little. It was a little dull to start with, and I had to resist the idea of speaking for the speaking sake. It was like sitting together with your parent, and staring at each other in silence. After a period of time, He spoke. It was words of comfort for a family who recently lost their child. Perhaps, all these wordless time, was preparing me that so I can hear the most important words. Nouwen suggested that “God dwells only where man step back to give him room.” So is prayer that allows words to recede and make room for him to speak.

Topos Tou Theou (God's place)

父啊﹐求祢讓我作個仿如天地的人
日復日讓靈裡的話傾流不盡
夜復夜讓屬祢的智慧閃爍不息
一切卻不靠嘴唇泄露片言﹐叫發癢的耳朵捉不到隻字
單單安靜在人間
然而浩瀚星河所驚嘆的榮耀﹐和穹蒼傳說祢手所作的
卻要傳到地極天邊﹐叫無人不知無人不曉

求祢叫女兒在沉默的水深處如魚如鯨
在寂靜無聲中的天籟﹐是祢懷裡猜不透的奧秘
就讓女兒賴在祢懷裡猜一輩子

是神選擇了我們作祂的居所﹐如夜裡的萬家燈火
容我不去絞盡腦汁﹐思考「如何活出神的榮耀」這老生常談
只謹記﹕「我是神的榮耀。」

Note: a modified prayer inspired by Psalm 19:1-4 and John Eudes' conversation with Henri Nouwen in "The Genesee Diary".

The eternity in His eyes

"A child in the cradle, if you watch it at leisure, has the infinite in its eyes." ~ Vincent Van Gogh.

一天工作的盡頭﹐歸心似箭。奈何最後的病人是院友﹐patient transport遲遲不來﹐只得陪著她等。兩個人大眼瞪小眼。

等著無聊﹐便與她聊起天來。她頭髮給電療電得鳳毛麟角﹐不規則地貼著頭皮﹔因為吃藥的原故﹐一身一臉也腫了起來。但﹐老是在等的她卻總是一臉安祥。偶爾會抱怨一下電療老是在晚餐午餐的時間﹐叫每次快吃到嘴的飯餐都飛掉了﹐餓得她呱呱叫。

基督徒的她很健談﹐給我說說同房的病人怎樣﹐又說說她老公見到她的頭髮一塊塊時大喊﹕他們怎麼把你的頭變了個地球儀了。
然後﹐她煞有介事地對我說﹕「我懷疑我有Obsessive-compulsive disorder 。1」

她指指不遠處的[出口]指示牌說﹕「我老是忍不住要看著一樣東西。好像那個牌子﹐明明在和別人說話﹐不久眼光便又溜到牌子上去。忍住不看﹐一不留神卻又在看了。」

聽她說得七情上面﹐我笑了起來。正和她笑著﹐突然心裡一動﹐蹲下在輪椅旁對她說﹕「要是我們通通對神都有這種compulsion﹐你說豈不是好? 無論這個世界怎樣讓我們分了心﹐總會讓我們忍不住又要回首看祂了。」

想起梵高所說嬰孩眼中的無限﹐想起祂眼眸裡的永恆。

我和她靜下來相對而視﹐靈犀會心地笑了。

註1﹕Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an illness that causes people to have unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and to repeat certain behaviors (compulsions) over and over again.