櫻花落

他們都說櫻花像雪。

其實也許, 是樹的心碎了
一片一片微紅隨風撒滿地
其實也許, 是樹哭了
眼淚和春雨在比誰落得多

看著, 我眼睛紅了, 摸著它輕問: 痛嗎?
鬱壯結實的它, 只低頭不語。

花, 不語冰不見暑, 也不聽落葉
像我們, 都過不了冬。

八月二日。晴。

今天跑的時候﹐路旁草地突然殺出一隻兔仔。
牠和我平排拼命跑了一會﹐忽然一拐﹐便鑽進了樹叢一個洞裡。
我沒有像愛麗絲那樣好奇地跟在後面﹐牠也沒有匆忙看陀錶趕時間
我們的路﹐只是很平淡地偶然交錯過
可能﹐誰也沒有失去什麼。可能﹐我曾經和一個異境失諸交臂...

思念

看<<禮儀師>>﹐很多眼淚。
叫我別過臉哭起來的﹐是家人朋友在焚化爐邊﹐送澡堂婆婆最後一面那一幕。
那火「哄」的一聲﹐把我帶回那一天。我還清楚記得﹐大舅父透過小窗﹐看著爐裡的表情。
沒有戲裡兒子的咽嗚﹐只是整個人﹐身體和心靈﹐沉默地不捨地落寞地﹐和一輩子的媽媽說再見。

在寶福山走下樓梯時吹起一陣風﹐燒衣的灰屑如像雪飄
燒盡的﹐每一點都滿是家人的無盡思念和心事。
我掃掉髮端的飄屑﹐沉默不語。

跑(二)

跑街和跑機﹐像愛情。
未信之先的我任性得很﹐傷人唔使本。悶了﹐便頭也不回﹐按一個案鈕叫停﹐跳下來便走。
也許有一點難過﹐但丁點也不內疚。
對曾經這樣過的我﹐並不覺得很驕傲。

然後�信了﹐降服了在最大的愛情之下﹐我無法不重新認識愛。
Love is patient, Love is kind.
在祂的愛下﹐我沒有傷害人的權利﹐我沒有隨便離開的自由。
釘在十字架上﹐祂寸步不移。儘管有12營天使隨時候命﹐但祂只是忍耐著痛苦溫柔地愛到底。
那充滿溫柔的眼睛﹐和我對望過。
嚐過這樣的愛﹐我已經無法回頭。定睛凝望那雙溫柔的眼睛﹐在眼瞳的反映里看到自以為得著了的Agape﹐還差得天和地比。
順服在血和木頭之下﹐願沾一點那眼睛的溫柔﹐跑下去。

跑 (一)

在好友半推半哄之下﹐唔識死地參加了九月底的一個half marathon。上星期跑了我多年來的1K﹐先知道自己有幾大鑊;p
唔想死之下﹐便開始積極跑起步來。

向來跑步也不是我那杯茶﹐儘管大學時好友都跑得那麼高興﹐我一直以來還是只有在追巴士的時候才肯跑。
記得中學時因打波一定要練氣﹐跑時只死望著下一條電燈柱﹐心裡只有一個念頭:跑到那條燈柱一定停! 跑到那條燈柱一定停! 然後,便週而復始,像驢子和蘿蔔的關係地痛苦下去。
那時便覺得﹐跑步和游水是世界上最漫無目﹑最漫無止境的運動。

今次練跑﹐不跑treadmill跑街﹐多倫多天朗氣清,舒服愉快得很。
跑街不同跑機﹐一但開始了便得跑下去﹐就算多累﹐也得自己"laan"回去。不似跑機﹐按一個掣跳下來就拍拍屁股能走了。
在濃樹密蔭下跑著﹐忽爾明白:跑機﹐好像short term mission﹐總是火熱的一鼓作氣往前衝﹐但累了﹐隨時可以躲回家涼快去。
但long term mission﹐就是跑了出去後﹐多疲累多失望也得堅持下去的信心。
從祂的懷裡跑出去﹐再跑回祂的懷裡來。或許途上精采驚險寧靜紛陳﹐卻肯定最後撲倒在的﹐一定是在祂的懷裡。
一生的圓﹐多美麗。

鯨魚

台灣的愛鯨人劉克襄隔岸寫在香港海域突然出現的座頭鯨和鯨魚種種﹐洋洋灑灑的一大篇﹐不禁讚嘆他們的熱情和海洋裡面我們從來不知的豐富。

鯨魚離群的原因眾說紛云﹐自殺﹑生病﹑迷航等等已聽得耳熟﹐但劉說﹐近年不少專家傾向一些個案思考﹕
「最迷人的論述﹐或可能是﹐會不會因為過度憂鬱﹑外敵攻擊﹑族群排擠﹑尋找自我﹑進行探險之類﹐彷佛人類社會﹐個別人物會發生的﹐種種生命瓶頸的突破。」

劉寫道﹕ 「...牠孤獨地離開了熟悉的環境﹐在陌生危險的水域探險。以悠然龐大的身軀﹐我們難以理解的緩慢﹐滑過死亡的邊緣。」
讀到這裡﹐我閉上眼睛﹐耳邊彷彿聽到鯨魚海裡的歌聲。

這是我沒有上班的第二個星期。除了一些早已定下的工作﹐我勉強地在大家的幫助下完成外﹐拿著醫生那張「聖紙」﹐奉旨偷懶。一向忙得雞飛狗跳的生活﹐突然停了下來。
哀慟是一頭巨大黑溜溜的怪物﹐它不時一聲不響地拖著小小的我離開﹐溜進了那個不知名的世界。在那裡一切都好像凝住了﹐很安靜﹐很暗。
有時黑得好像午夜的市郊﹐只得一片樹林的剪影﹐和天上稀疏幾顆星星。鼻邊總是有一股秋天的味道﹐是萬物落在地裡﹑等待過冬到春天化作護花泥的氣味。
怪物體積龐大﹐所以路有點擠﹐走得很慢。我倆拖著手慢慢走﹐有時停下來坐坐看看風景。我流淚了﹐它便不作一聲地在一旁陪我。

昨天吃飯時﹐坐在對面的朋友看不過我神遊太虛﹐平時不算多話的他﹐一頓飯下來老在逗我說話﹐說是要把我拉回到地球。
有朋友說: 快點回來哪。 我知道﹐他們都心焦看見我常常心神晃惚的樣子。
但是﹐但是為什麼一定要回來呢? 我委屈地問。
為什麼不呢?他反問。
看了這文章﹐我瞇起眼睛笑了。他們都好像觀鯨者﹐見鯨魚出水面透氣的時間相隔久了﹐不似之前那麼活潑﹐很是擔心牠的安危。
但我想﹐那條可憐的大魚與其說是受驚了﹐也許來自甯靜深海的牠只是覺得人聲太吵了﹐情願閉氣忍著﹐也要離開水面偷一點安靜。

時下流行提倡「慢活」﹐好不熱鬧。但我親愛的﹐為什麼要急著要我回來趕路呢?
你們究竟在怕什麼?
在死亡面前﹐哀慟是輕慢不得的。它在生命中的重量﹐讓我們只能如鯨魚般緩緩滑過那險惡的邊緣才不致受傷害。在這過程中﹐我們專注身段肌理的控制﹐敏感水流的改變和溫度﹐還會唱起那如歎息一般的歌﹐來傾心地靜聽從深處而來的回音﹐這是心靈海洋航行的歷煉。

拖著怪物的手繼續向前慢慢走﹐我知道走到盡頭天亮時﹐我抬頭看到那拖著我手的會是誰。

後記﹕這是兩星期前起手寫的扎記﹐黑暗但真實。那些喊過我魂的朋友看了別要生氣哦﹐我是相信你們才那麼坦率地寫出來的<笑>記得告訴小nic後﹐她喜歡劉克襄寫鯨魚滑水那段得不得了﹐要得看原文。寫的時候直到現在﹐小nic的歌<告別了﹐給你的搖籃曲>很是貼切心情。
這一瞬﹐的確全然是美麗的。

繞過秋冬春夏 它終於可停下來
佔領每一刻 我對你的思念
痛苦垂著淚水 從眼角流到臉頰
帶著所有煩擾 飛向到遠方

再也不想說也不想聽 千篇一律的安慰話
時間能沖淡一切的想法 天真的謊話
觀看枯葉安然墜下 突然明白了
這一瞬 全然是美麗的

3月17日。 陰天。

晴天和婆婆出門了
我問留在屋裡看家的陰天, 他們什麼時候回來
陰天只是搖搖頭 , 輕輕摸了我的面龐一把 ,留下了一臉的淚水。
如果淚水能夠保鮮回憶 , 我就把現在的眼淚一瓶一瓶裝起來
哪一天我想念妳想得太難過 ,便拿瓶子搖一搖來聽聽妳的笑聲 。

妳知道嗎?
去年夏天, 有天我坐巴士, 有個頑皮的肥仔和他婆婆坐在我附近 。
他一時扮曳氣婆婆 , 一時嗲死人地把頭挨著婆婆的肩膀蹭磨 , 又懶醒說人家的招牌寫錯字了。
婆婆不動氣也不說他錯, 一直咪咪笑的, 只不時摸摸他的頭, 循循善誘之餘, 其實給肥仔逗得很開心。
我看著他們, 忍不住一起笑了。 一笑 , 眼淚卻也忍不住掉下來。
那天, 我剛買完了妳喪禮用的糖果。

去年的夏天, 在葬禮上哀悼了的, 是患上海茲默症多年, 脾氣容貌已經變得有些陌生的妳 。
今年的春天, 我突然明瞭, 那個在我童年記憶裡, 那個我親愛熟悉的妳, 真的, 真的已經不在了。
在那個我熟得不能再熟的西環單位, 再也沒有妳了。
再也沒有玫瑰紅茶 , 沒有滾熱美味的蕃茄牛肉煲在餐檯上等著我, 沒有人等著我一起晾衣服...
婆婆, 妳別笑我是個喊包 (我知妳會!)
我是這樣才能忍耐著 , 才能等到再見妳的時候, 能笑著和妳見面吧 。

笑哈哈。苦哈哈

學小nic話齋﹐係趕paper死線時來寫blog都唔知係咪痴左線....
因由 ﹐是熱門話題「天國的微笑」 。
唔講你唔知﹐這個可愛的天文現象﹐在香港是個笑哈哈﹐在多倫多這邊廂卻是個倒過來的苦哈哈﹐照片上看起來怪可憐的 。


嗯﹐為什麼我只看到照片?
因為其實加拿大那天晚上多數地區都密雲﹐大家啥也看不到。
看見許多香港的朋友都在blog上興高采烈地說起這個天空上的笑臉時﹐突然很感動﹕
天父給了笑哈哈一個晴朗的夜空﹐卻用密雲把苦哈哈藏了起來呢 :)

係呀天父﹐我係好感動。祢對我哋甘好做乜呢?
都痴線既~
back to church history exegesis.

魔幻廚房

今天因為Playback Theater的關係﹐想起一件陳年舊事﹐仍然覺得像魔幻童話。
事發在久遠的大學時代﹐考試期間我不時會在UC宿舍租一間客房﹐好專心啃書。我的房間跟廚房很近﹐有時唸書唸得累了﹐便跑到那裡的汽水機﹐買一罐來醒醒神。
一天我手裡拿著exact change﹐高高興興地站在機前把一枚一枚硬幣投進去。焉知投到最後一枚時﹐睛天霹靂地發現我竟然還欠十仙! O_o
恨錯難返﹐我在汽水機前整整站了5秒鐘﹐懊惱得不知如何是好。

那時一起在廚房的還有一個男生﹐正在等微波爐裡的食物。我有點心虛﹐回頭看看他﹐他也看看我。
沒有辦法﹐只好咚咚咚地跑回房間取那該死的十仙。
當我跑回廚房﹐站到機前正準備把錢放進去時﹐看到汽水機Ready to select的燈﹐竟然已經亮了 。
我往兩旁古老幽暗的走廊左看看﹐右看看﹐微波爐已經空了﹐人也不知所蹤了。
我手裡拿著那十仙硬幣﹐按了一罐可樂出來﹐感覺微妙難言。
好像遇上天使了。

留白

空氣灌滿了濃濃甜甜咖啡味
書一頁一頁的揭
對話一句一句的往來
戰爭笑語世情黑幕俏皮話瀉滿了一地
捧著書﹐ 專注地看字和字之間的空白

側著耳﹐ 細聽音和音之間的甯靜。
你儂我儂﹐書濃話濃
喝一口 濃稠密膩
我忍不住閉起了眼睛 伸手輕輕掩住耳朵。
朋友笑問﹕在看什麼? 在聽什麼?
但笑不語--- 沒什麼﹐只是在為自己留一點白
好待人散後﹐收拾得一天心情如水澈 。

***豐子愷先生的圖﹐悠然恬致。在此謝過 。

Start with Hatred. Proceed with Love.

鼓足了勇氣舉手﹐在班上眾目睽睽下讀出自己為日本寫的哀歌禱文
深呼吸了一口氣﹐朗聲唸了半句﹐豈料﹐語音未落 ﹐竟然咽哽起來。
一下子淚盈於睫 ﹐拼了命忍住還是落淚了。
寫功課時心情激動 ﹐只是沒有想過當無聲化作有聲時﹐是如此身不由己。

教會一直教我們的禱告都陽光明媚﹐幾乎容不下一絲陰霾 ﹕不要怕﹐不要哭﹐不要怨﹐只要信。
可知, 耶利米曾苦澀地質問神﹕怎麼殺人放火的就金腰帶了? *註
詩人曾哭叫﹕耶和華﹐求祢記念這亡國的血海深仇!*
哈巴谷怨憤地指著祂的臉(幾乎沒有大罵 )﹕祢對無辜見死不救!*
禱告裡許多感嘆號﹑怨氣﹑憤怒和眼淚(說不定﹐還有手指 =P)﹐許多許多 ﹐在教會﹐我不曾風聞﹐也不曾看見 。 舊約裡面的人對神如此膽生毛 ﹐不是因他們是先知﹐恃寵生驕﹐而是因著一份真性情和深知祂心的親密 。 Eugene Peterson說 ﹐正如傷害教我們跪倒在祂面前呼救﹐憎恨讓我們站起來為公義禱求 。

“This hate arises in a context of holiness: meditating on the holy word of God, expecting the holy messiah of God. Immersed by prayer in this holiness, we see clearly what we never saw before, the utter and terrible sacrilege of enemies who violate a good creation, who brutalize women and men who are made, every one of them in the image of God."

我舉起手說﹐Amen.
Start with hatred, proceed with Love. It must.

眼淚不斷﹐也許正是因為深愛祂我們才被捲進祂的傷痛裡面﹐而我們就是在禱告中越愛越深﹐越愛越痛。和友人 說起﹐她說﹐也罷﹐痛就痛死好了。

p.s. 附上日本Lament Prayer﹐若願意﹐請為這國家多多懇求。

How long shall we cry out to You O Lord, before You will incline your ears to our groaning?

The blood and tears of the ancient saints from the soaked soil in Japan has been calling for Your mercy for so long, will you not remember their loyalty and petitions?

The people of island are worshipping lifeless stone and woods,

lust filled their body and eyes,

slaying their own kind with cruel swords of word and action.

Return us to the soil then, for you have abandoned us, your own children!

Save us from our sinful brutality and evil ways, O Lord, lest we may be counted as resembling minimally Your own image.

*耶利米12﹕1-4
*詩篇 137
*哈巴谷書 1﹕ 1-4

Further Readings:

Eugene Peterson: Answering God

Patrick Miller: They Cried to the Lord.

Samuel Balentine: Prayer in the Hebrew Bible

(這本書...除了Preface有關作者的寫書因由和舊約禱告structure有看頭外﹐其實真係悶到痺。如你非看不可﹐我倒也不阻止﹐反正會很好瞓。)

這雙手太小

除了神學生外﹐我還是一個放射治療師。

在他們人生其中一個最困難黑暗的時候﹐能夠帶著祢給我的笑容陪他們走這一小段路﹐是我的福氣。

很愛他們﹐因為他們全都是那麼被祢愛著﹐祢又總愛混在他們中間﹐叫我常常冷不防遇見祢﹐更被祝福的﹐不知道是他們還是我。

雖然工作環境算不上最好﹐但單純地相信﹐不論外在水平如何﹐這個小小的我只要盡心愛護病人就夠了。

但那個散漫的制度和工作文化就像潛伏在暗黑森林的妖怪﹐伺機要吞吃我趕著的那群漫爛無知羊兒。他們是這樣全心全意地相信著我們﹐我一直步步驚心﹐抓著那根瘦小的樹枝﹐拼命地守護他們。

有時候我也會犯錯﹐有時我會趕得及到前頭打掉妖怪的爪子。

但昨天﹐突然驚覺在我不察覺時﹐妖怪狠狠地咬了我的羊一口。

我看著自己的一雙手﹐在白色巨塔內﹐這雙手太小了﹐單我一個人根本無法確保他們的安危。

在這個陰天下著微雨的下午﹐我把自己關在房間裡﹐哭了好久。

無國界醫生前主席James Orbinski在他的書An imperfect offering 和紀錄片Triage中﹐深恨痛絕那些逼得成千上萬民眾陷入飢荒﹑戰亂﹑痛失親人的國家決策和制度﹐又叫他不得不一次又一次殘忍地把人命分作treat immediately, treat in 24 hours, 和 irretrievable. *

他認為不但需要站在前線救治﹐改變決策和制度才是根治的施藥。

回到一流醫院工作的念頭﹐在那天第一次冒起。

我痛恨那個沒有盡責保障病人的制度 ﹐究竟要怎樣的醫療事故﹐才會令他們願意正視這個部門應有的嚴謹?

Orbinski說﹕ 一次在盧旺達內戰﹐遍地飢荒疫症﹐Baidoa 全區只有3個醫生﹐無國界醫生的feeding centers十分吃重﹐連Orbinski也染上疫病。他給送到奈羅比的醫院治理﹐康復後MSF給他一張回加拿大的機票。他望著鏡內的自己﹐他明白了一件事﹕I could not live with who I would be if I did not go back (to Baidoa).

一走了之﹐抑或繼續站在破口守望 ?

是前進﹐是撤退? 祢說﹐我要怎樣才不會以後的日子無法面對自己?

Orbinski說﹕ As difficult as it may be, the struggle matters. And it can achieve something."

在等候之時﹐我情願作那不完美的祭在祢面前﹐守候。

*Triage is the process of sorting injured patients on the basis of the actual or perceived degree of injury and assigning them to the most effective and efficient regional care resources, in order to insure optimal care and the best chance of survival

直到永恆。

妳選擇了在一個風和日麗﹐清朗明媚的一天起行。

到了重遇那天﹐也許我會認不得妳﹕
在那張年輕美麗的臉上﹐只有那靦腆溫柔的微笑似曾相識。
那時候妳一定要叫我﹐讓我拖著妳的手﹐我們再一起喝玫瑰紅茶﹐再一起晾衣服....

婆婆﹐妳一路好走。

愛妳的音音敬上

袁文婷

袁文婷﹐來自於汶川什邡市師古鎮民主中心小學的一位一年級班主任。她很年青﹐平時說話不多。她小時候就沒了爸爸﹐一直和媽媽相依為命。

5月12日的下午﹐袁文婷如常地在班房裡檢查孩子的作業。當地開始搖晃時﹐孩子們都嚇得只懂站在原地動也不動。這時﹐袁文婷抱起一個孩子就跑出教室。她一次又一次衝進教室﹐抱起一個又一個的孩子往外跑。

一個﹑兩個﹑三個﹐十多個學生被她救到安全的地方。當袁文婷在門口放下吳佳輝後﹐便轉身回去救其他學生。就在那時﹐大樓的天花就倒塌下來了。

5月12日晚上，搜救人員終於發現了袁文婷───一塊厚厚的水泥板，壓在她的身上。在她冰冷的身軀下﹐還有她的學生。

她曾經同朋友說過﹕「每一個學生都是我的孩子，他們都才六七歲，好像一張白紙，他們的未來都在我的手中。我﹐是他們的啟蒙教師。」

袁文婷﹐四川人。青春定格了在25歲。

**後記﹕ 這是在網上廣流的無數英雄故事之一﹐是為Across U-hub 有感而慟 Lament音樂會而compose的。
是夜﹐我在台上為她細說那麼濃縮得有點失禮的生平故事。
是夜﹐我發現了文靜的字轟天嘹亮的一面﹐被vocalized的文字震憾了。
這是後話。
近來太忙﹐後話太多了﹐還請見諒。

造夢的蛙

多倫多Hot Docs film fest進行得如火如荼﹐那可恨的公車局一聲罷工關門落閘﹐竟然拍拍屁股說不幹便不幹。我上學上班也素來不駕車到市中心﹐罷工竟造就了我第一次的鬧市征途。


看了3齣伊朗docs, 其中無心插柳的Cynosis 和It's Always too Late for Freedom同樣精彩。
Rokhsareh Ghaemmaghami鏡頭下的Cynosis﹐訴說一個伊朗街頭畫家Jamshid Aminfar虛渺的愛情故事。Jamshid出生時不順以至短暫缺氧﹐令他智力上有缺陷。他情感豐富熱愛畫畫﹐但娶了一個現實的老婆﹔被迫幹了20年糊口的雜工﹐只得偷偷瞞著她﹐到街頭撿木板廢鐵來填滿顏料色彩感情﹐一幅畫只賣一兩個盧比。
Jamshid街頭作畫﹐景況比國際大師在香港中環被趕還要不堪﹕警察不只趕完又趕﹐惡言恐嚇之餘﹐還粗暴的踢落得一地是畫。即席揮毫的行人道對面一所大學﹐有天子門生不屑目不識丁的人竟敢畫畫﹐還大刺刺地班門弄斧﹐有的欽佩他勇氣可加﹐敢於冷對社會指控聲。Jamshid在一片爭吵和暴力下﹐只是苦悶無奈不語地繼續一筆一筆畫下去﹐一筆一筆地繼續等待明白他的人出現。
直到一天﹐一個法國年輕女孩讀懂了畫﹐他快樂得飛上了天﹐開始幻想他和她的未來。但﹐胖胖矮矮的潦倒中年畫家和纖細秀氣的法國少女﹐猶如無法變身的青蛙和公主的倒影一樣﹐都說不起一個童話。最後﹐剩下他孤單憂傷地繼續一筆一筆地造夢...

導演利用了大量Jamshid的畫﹐化成簡單的動畫來表達他內裡生動豐盛的感情。乍看有點唐突﹐但越看下去越發覺得﹐和凝結在畫板上的圖像一樣﹐木訥的他不善辭令﹐只得由他的畫活過來為他細說心事﹐方叫世人聽得清楚他的聲音。

Jamshid在街頭隨便撿起雜物便手起筆落﹐很有點已經駕崩的九龍皇帝的風範。不過他活得很不快樂﹐只因他比我們的陛下清醒﹐無法遊戲人間。最深刻的是其中一段動畫﹐畫面一分為三﹐黑白﹑彩色和夾在中間的無色。Jamshid的老婆不許他到色彩裡去﹐不斷把拖他往住滿了獠牙怪物的黑暗裡去﹔而他則在無色地帶趁老婆不覺﹐在她的眼睛上畫上另一雙眼睛﹐然後悄悄拖著她走進彩色世界。但蔽目的眼睛總會掉落﹐變成怪物怒吼的老婆又再把他拖回黑暗裡。這畫完又畫﹐瞞了又瞞的痛苦過程不斷輪迴﹐他一臉淒涼惶恐。看到這裡﹐不禁為他落淚。他不過是想畫畫而已!

看著他默默不懈地一直畫﹐想起一個瘦小的綠色身影。


一首Rainbow Connection曾經在70年代雄倨流行榜7個星期﹐數不清的名歌手不知翻唱過多少次﹐青蛙卡米的原唱版本最平實無華﹐卻是誰也唱不出來的動人。
那把微小呼喚你的聲音﹐你聽到了嗎?
不知多少人曾經聽見了﹐但給拉進獠牙世界後﹐便再沒有勇氣走出來﹐只在夢迴時深深太息。
我想Jamshid是聽見了﹐所以不顧一切。
尋夢是天真﹐是蠢﹐還是勇敢﹐人間總是眾說紛云。
只有清帳回首那天﹐才算得清楚。
到了那天﹐他的笑容該比太陽花還要燦爛。

The Rainbow Connection - Kermit the Frog
(Click Kermit's picture to listen)

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard
and answered when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing
and what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell. We know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Ebenezer

Definition : a "stone of help," or a reminder of God’s Real, Holy Presence and Divine aid.

黃昏駕車時﹐前面的車突然扭呔。我的車速剛好駛到他避開的地方﹐下意識往下一看﹐嚇得我也急急猛扭駕駛盤。
赫然看見的﹐是一只被壓死了的小松鼠。下半身已經被壓得貼到地上﹐上半身卻意外地完好。
牠仰首嘴巴微開﹐兩只小手張開展臂向穹蒼﹐猶如殘喘一息時在求天空給牠一個擁抱﹐但人車無情。
牠已經不痛了﹐我仍不忍輾過﹐深覺虧欠了牠和一眾的「原住民」。
一到夏天﹐行車線上便死傷無數﹐人都幾乎看得麻木了。這可原是牠們盡情奔跑躍跳的一片草地呢。

我想﹐最初牠跳到阿當面前﹐被他捧在手裡說﹕「你的名字叫松鼠。」的時候並沒想過﹐有天會要在人的輪子下日日以命相博﹐才能從這一端跑到那一端。
氣候異常變化極冰溶化﹐雨林以每小時6000畝的極速消失﹐每天100種你我連知道也不知道的生物絕種..... 不﹐不用那麼遙遠﹐我已被這小松鼠張開了的雙臂問得啞口無言。不需問責制﹐已愧覺失職於大地管家這位置。
只得陪牠無語問蒼天﹐問問祢﹐怎可在這不歸路途上闢出一片共處的安樂淨土。

在這街角﹐我立下一個Ebenezer。
我知道﹐在這電光火石擦過的一刻﹐祢在。

Spiritual formation: Retreat

Course: Spiritual Formation
Prof: Dr. David Sherbino

This 3 days retreat truly deserve to be included as the compulsory component in this course. We went to Queens of the Apostles in Mississauga. Its outlook is less than ordinary, but I am delightfully impressed by some of the contemporary artworks it adopted in the interior. Daily communion and worship, 5 hours of solitude and silence, sessions of dream interpretation (sounds like one of the harry potter classes doesn't it!)... there is a part of me that yearns for a longer time to spend in such place.

Here are the briefs on the major areas.

Worship
In my own church of 3000, rather than referring the communion as a “routine”, it is a much privatized act. As trays are passing around the massive sanctuary, everyone holds on tight to their own little piece of bread and plastic cup of grape juice. Some are praying, some simply wait in silence. Each person seems to go forth to God individually, despite the fact that he is right beside his family, friends, and brothers and sisters. However, the communion experience in the retreat was significantly different. It occurred to me that communion is not merely an act of remembering Jesus or bringing yourself in front of God. It is, as the word suggests, “mutually participating” in this intimate act of sharing Him completed koinania. His despicable sufferings, his shed blood, his resurrection, his love and his salvation, are done for all. It is through this unconditional sacrifice, all that comes under his name are connected by a web of love thicker than blood. How could the remembrance of our Lord, be any less than this?

On the first night, we passed the bread around by saying “John/Jane, this is the body of Christ, broken for you”, while Dr. Sherbino served the cup. At the very end, our teacher was the only one who did not have the bread and wine yet. A fellow classmate offered the serving of the bread to him. The cup was sitting on the tabernacle by itself. It seemed natural to go up and serve the wine, but hesitation went through my mind: “Should it not be deacon or a pastor to serve the communion?” But my heart overrode my mind with a compelling “Go”, and I was just in time to extend him the cup with a smile, “this is the blood of Christ, shed for you.” It was as if Christ, with his body and blood, went around and completed the circle of love. In the following communions, as different people served communions and read scriptures, the sense of universal priesthood revealed itself stronger and stronger. What an overlooked identity in church and a role we are owed to one another!

Community

Community was the surprising element in the retreat. In my stereotypical mind, retreat of this sort would have been wise enough to maximize the silence and solitude. Nonetheless, pleasantly astonished, there were good periods of time for community and fellowship, and they formed an important part of my retreat. People, whom I know or do not know from both sections, became family members who hadn’t seen each other for long at dinner table. Different topics rose up as each meal was served with different dishes, but there was a common theme: God and His works. The richness of exchange was inexplicable, although the limited eating hour only allowed us to share little. Perhaps it is exactly the point: because our time on earth is so little, our limited time shall focus on worthy topics.

My spiritual friend had a rough night sleeping. As we got together, she opened up and talked about her struggle and vulnerabilities. My heart went out for her yet no comforting words could be found. We dedicated much of our session to prayers. The Holy Spirit moved us both greatly, and he spoke words of healing and comforting through our lips. Praying for each other is indeed the creation of a meeting place for God and the others in our heart. It was very profound for both of us.

Silence

During the 5 hours of solitude and silence, my body called for a rest and I obeyed its request. What John Eudes mentioned was true: giving much energy to others in every encounter is exhaustive, and it does not favour a sustainable spiritual life. After 2 hours of sleep, the warm chapel seemed to be a better transition from the cozy bed than to the thought of snow. There were a few people there already. In these 3 hours of prayer, He and I both spoke very little. It was a little dull to start with, and I had to resist the idea of speaking for the speaking sake. It was like sitting together with your parent, and staring at each other in silence. After a period of time, He spoke. It was words of comfort for a family who recently lost their child. Perhaps, all these wordless time, was preparing me that so I can hear the most important words. Nouwen suggested that “God dwells only where man step back to give him room.” So is prayer that allows words to recede and make room for him to speak.

Topos Tou Theou (God's place)

父啊﹐求祢讓我作個仿如天地的人
日復日讓靈裡的話傾流不盡
夜復夜讓屬祢的智慧閃爍不息
一切卻不靠嘴唇泄露片言﹐叫發癢的耳朵捉不到隻字
單單安靜在人間
然而浩瀚星河所驚嘆的榮耀﹐和穹蒼傳說祢手所作的
卻要傳到地極天邊﹐叫無人不知無人不曉

求祢叫女兒在沉默的水深處如魚如鯨
在寂靜無聲中的天籟﹐是祢懷裡猜不透的奧秘
就讓女兒賴在祢懷裡猜一輩子

是神選擇了我們作祂的居所﹐如夜裡的萬家燈火
容我不去絞盡腦汁﹐思考「如何活出神的榮耀」這老生常談
只謹記﹕「我是神的榮耀。」

Note: a modified prayer inspired by Psalm 19:1-4 and John Eudes' conversation with Henri Nouwen in "The Genesee Diary".

The eternity in His eyes

"A child in the cradle, if you watch it at leisure, has the infinite in its eyes." ~ Vincent Van Gogh.

一天工作的盡頭﹐歸心似箭。奈何最後的病人是院友﹐patient transport遲遲不來﹐只得陪著她等。兩個人大眼瞪小眼。

等著無聊﹐便與她聊起天來。她頭髮給電療電得鳳毛麟角﹐不規則地貼著頭皮﹔因為吃藥的原故﹐一身一臉也腫了起來。但﹐老是在等的她卻總是一臉安祥。偶爾會抱怨一下電療老是在晚餐午餐的時間﹐叫每次快吃到嘴的飯餐都飛掉了﹐餓得她呱呱叫。

基督徒的她很健談﹐給我說說同房的病人怎樣﹐又說說她老公見到她的頭髮一塊塊時大喊﹕他們怎麼把你的頭變了個地球儀了。
然後﹐她煞有介事地對我說﹕「我懷疑我有Obsessive-compulsive disorder 。1」

她指指不遠處的[出口]指示牌說﹕「我老是忍不住要看著一樣東西。好像那個牌子﹐明明在和別人說話﹐不久眼光便又溜到牌子上去。忍住不看﹐一不留神卻又在看了。」

聽她說得七情上面﹐我笑了起來。正和她笑著﹐突然心裡一動﹐蹲下在輪椅旁對她說﹕「要是我們通通對神都有這種compulsion﹐你說豈不是好? 無論這個世界怎樣讓我們分了心﹐總會讓我們忍不住又要回首看祂了。」

想起梵高所說嬰孩眼中的無限﹐想起祂眼眸裡的永恆。

我和她靜下來相對而視﹐靈犀會心地笑了。

註1﹕Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an illness that causes people to have unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and to repeat certain behaviors (compulsions) over and over again.

Enemies with Smiling Faces - Don Posterski

Course: Culture, gospel and church
Prof: Don Posterski (yes-- he is the author of this book)

When we are probing how to deal with diversity in this book, one of the section headings strike me: defend the cultural space of the others. As a Christian, we are often walled by oppositions that are against values in our religion: same sex marriage, law in place to prohibit languages with discrimination that might lead to making bible reading illegal in public. We are often so busy defending ourselves from all the bows and arrows from the liberalism. We are striving and voicing to be treated equally and justly in the name of freedom. However, while we attempts to protect our sacred ground and defending our own right, we as Christians have never thought of defending other cultures or religions’ right – it is not equivalent to “promoting other religions”, yet it is on the basis of doing what is just, as we loves others as ourselves and not lending a hand to oppress a group.

When injustice such as electoral law in quebec instated not to allow veiled Muslim women to vote, shall we as Christians not voice out in support of the oppressed? -– not the "typical" oppressed group as we have perceived from our culture, yet lending the Muslims the right and space to practice and maintain their dignity and religion in their own culture. What kind of impact it will be, when Christians extend a friendly hand to protect them from such inequality and take the sword to fight for them? It is certainly much louder than proclaiming in words “to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God,” for we have brought the heart of God to them in action.

I wholeheartedly believe, giving space to the others keeps them within the smelling range -- keeps them in the smelling range of the fragrance of our Lord.